Journals

Dear Everyone,

So lately everyone has been wondering what has been going on with me because I don't email as much because of the power situation and some horrible assignments I have to do for my program :)

And I started thinking about this and I realized that the thing is, no matter how much time I have, I don't know what to say to anyone anymore. Maybe this is normal for everyone who has gone a broad for awhile but I don't feel like I could ever describe anything anymore. I feel like no one could ever truly understand what I am doing or going through because I barely understand it.

So for everyone who misses me dearly :) and who are really bored...and who like to read...i decided that instead of writing a huge mass email about stuff that really doesn't matter like I usually do :) I will just attach my journal entries for the past two months and people can read them if they want or if you don't want to you don't have to! They aren't that good but for those who have the time and desire, maybe they will help you understand more about my life now and the things I have been going through and seeing.

Sorry if anything is offensive :) I don't remember what I wrote but you can also see what a horrible assignment this is...we have to type four single space pages of journals a week...it is crazy busy! And I am only on October 1st for typing..so with that I am off to do actual work! But I love you all!

Amanda
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Amanda Rose

Journal Entries

July 30^th, 2006

Today is the first day we will arrive in Dar-es-Salaam. So far the bus trip has been amazing. I can't even attempt to describe how beautiful Tanzania is with its ever-changing landscape. Being 8000 miles away from home, it is normal to get homesick and lately it seems like all of us have been thinking about home and how long we will be in Africa. I know that I will continue to be homesick throughout the trip, but after being here and seeing the way everyone treats each other like family, I am starting to realize that maybe the problem isn't that we are so far away from home, but it is how we define home.

In America, I feel like we define home as something we can see; whether it is our actual family members or the house we grew up in. We need to see something to really believe in it. However, in Tanzania it seems like everyone feels at home no matter where they are because everyone in this country looks out for each other. As we have learned through our classes, the people in Tanzania refer to each other as sisters and brothers even if they aren't biologically related. I love this idea of friendship and family, and if there is one idea I can take back to the United States with me, in five months, I hope it is this.

I think in the United States we have become too concerned with labels. We have to know who everyone is and how they fit into the situation. You are my best friend, my boyfriend, my mom, my dad, my brother, my aunt, etc. But in all reality, what do those labels really do or mean? Why does it matter if someone is gay or Christian or liberal? I think sometimes we care too much about labels and we forget to see who the person really is inside. When asked, I still say I am a Christian and more specifically a Lutheran. But am I? Why do I still feel the need to say that? I believe in God, but after that I don't know what I believe. I feel like I have been conditioned to say that I am a Christian because in American having that label is more important then how you act or what you actually do. If I were to say I was an atheist, people in America would look at me differently, regardless of the fact that I was still the same person. I hope that one day all of these labels will be gone because in the end, I love you and you love me and that is all that matters. Everyone is apart of one big family because of that love.

When I was little, I was always sad that I didn't have a sister. But now, I realize I have hundreds of sisters. I think this is what is missing in the United States. We teach our kids to look out for themselves, always trying to be the best and out do their peers with grades and awards. However, we should be teaching them to look out for their brothers and love everyone. Though I will keep feeling homesick over the next few months, I hope that I can remember that we are never truly alone in this world. Home isn't just a physical building; it is something inside of all of us. Home is a connection of love and friendship and those basic relationships are the same in every language and country around the world.

Just looking around the bus, I see an African woman and her young son. Though they speak a different language I can still see that they love each other more then anything in this world. I see the way the mother holds her son and the way he smiles at her and it makes me realize that love is truly universal.

Amanda Rose

Journal Entries

August 2^nd, 2006

Yesterday we went to a local tourist attraction by the Indian Ocean. It was absolutely beautiful. All of the buildings looked new and had indoor plumbing and toilet paper; all things we have rarely seen since we came to Tanzania. The entire place felt very American which made me feel like I was home and I was just going shopping in a local town in Minnesota. The problem was that to get there we had to drive through the inner city. Looking out the windows, I saw people who barely had enough food to eat. This made me feel very uncomfortable at the tourist attraction, because I knew that the money used to build those buildings could have been used to help the people who really needed it in Tanzania. I also felt uncomfortable because I knew that those buildings had been built specifically for us; for tourists coming to Tanzania and not for the local citizens who could barely afford to come and shop there.

However, what made me feel worse was the fact that I was so comfortable there. I finally felt like I belonged. As I walked around the place, I started to miss home and all I have back there. Up until that point, I hadn't really thought about what we were missing from home, because we hadn't been around anything with those types of accommodations. I am so fortunate in my life and in the fact that I can afford to come to Tanzania. But at the same time, I feel bad that I am able to do those things. I can come here and be a tourist and a student and see how the poor people of Tanzania live and work, and even live it myself for awhile, but I will never truly understand what they are going through. I know I will be leaving soon and not have to live this way anymore. I will be able to use my own computer, watch TV, eat out, and take hot showers while the people living in Tanzania will still be living that life of hardship and poverty.

I think it is amazing for students like us to travel to other countries to get another perspective on the world and life, but what happens when we leave? Can we really change who we are and keep those changes when we go back to the same old environment where people live by completely different ideals? I am already scared about this. I already feel like I have changed in the past few weeks. I am starting to realize that I need to be more aware of the world around me and what I have and what other people don't have. I am also starting to learn to appreciate my life and my family more. However, I feel like when I go back to the United States, I will adopt my old lifestyle again. I will turn back into the way I used to be and the way our country raises us to be: materialist and individualistic.

I feel like everything depends on the environment you are in. When we are in Africa, we can adapt and live the life that the people there live. But even the people here would more then likely change if they moved to the United States. I think in the United States we don't realize how important people are unless they fit the standards of importance that we already have which include money and material possessions. When Lott came to Luther last year, I liked him a lot but honestly I didn't consider him to be very important. He was just another guy from Tanzania who was teaching us a few Swahili words. I don't feel like any of the Luther students truly respected him the way he should have been respected. Most of us wouldn't come to class. Though we all had busy schedules, we should have made more of an effort. It was so eye opening to meet him at the university again and see him in his office because he is so powerful and amazing and welcoming. I now feel regret that he didn't receive that same welcome in America, at least not by me.

After being here for a few weeks, I am now realizing how hard it would be to come to another country. Sometimes you feel so alone because you don't know the language and no one is making an effort to get to know you. I hope that when I go back to Luther I will be able to make more of an effort to meet and befriend the foreign exchange students because now I know what they must be going through and I realize that sometimes all they need is a friend.

Amanda Rose

Journal Entries

August 4^th, 2006

I wanted to come to Tanzania because I wanted to experience the culture in a Third World country. I had heard the stories and seen pictures of traditional African tribes, and I had come to believe that that was how all of Africa lived. I had been taught to believe that Africa was undeveloped compared to the United States of America because everyone didn't have cars or cell phones or the amount of money that most Americans have in their lives. However, since I have been here, I have come to realize that in many respects, Tanzania is more developed then the United States of America.

The people living in Tanzania care about each other and their communities. They believe in family and hard work and these ideals have been seen everywhere we went from the Shamba visit, the orphanage, and the school visits. I will never forget the day we visited the secondary school and had a chance to watch a class of students. The class Zack and I visited was amazing. The students were so intelligent. They asked us so many questions that we barely knew the answers to such as, what we were doing to stop HIV/AIDS, corruption, and unemployment in the United States. The students wanted to know what programs our government had set-up and how the American citizens were involved. Zack and I tried to answer all of their questions but we had no idea how we could do that. Zack knew a lot more about those topics then I did, but neither of us knew as much as the students did about their own government. It was really eye opening and humbling. For the first time in my life, I felt like I fit the mold of the ignorant American. I lived in a rich country where everything was given to me and I took it all for granted. I didn't take the time to get involved in my government or to know what it was doing to help others. It was amazing to look at those students who knew so much and yet had so little; yet they had so much strength and hope for the future. They kept telling us that they were the future of Tanzania and that they needed to make a difference. They were raised in a country where the value of education was really valued.

I saw these same ideals in the scholars that I talked to last night at the scholar dinner. I talked for hours with the head librarian at the university and listened as he told me how frustrated he was that the students here worked so hard to go to school and yet they had very few resources to use once they made it here. It was hard for me to listen to him because I felt horrible. As he talked about students not having the money to buy books, I thought about Luther's book shop and how I could get any book I wanted there. Never once in my life had I not had the money to have books or resources that would benefit my education. I felt helpless sitting there. Just in my bedroom at home, I have my own lab top, a TV, and a VCR. I think it is easy to ignore the problems of the world when you live in America. I feel like we are taught to look out for ourselves and make sure we succeed at any cost. As I sat there, all I could think was what would happen if all of the universities involved in LCCT would donate some of their older books or even a few new books to the University of Dar-es-Salaam? Something that would cost very little to such huge universities could change the education of thousands of students here in Tanzania. I told the librarian that he couldn't give up hope and that he should talk to Terry about it. I don't know what she will say, and honestly I don't think he will get a lot of help from her and our universities. But, no matter what, I hope that I can help him in some fashion; Whether that means setting up a book drive with other students when we get back or just donating a few of my own books. I can't explain how it felt to hear him talk. He was so devoted to his country and the students and he just wanted to make a difference.

Now I feel stupid when I look back and remember thinking how I wanted to go to a developing nation, specifically Tanzania, to see how they live and survive, because to me, Tanzania is a developed country. Though there is a lot of room for improvement in poverty and the overall living standard of its citizens, Tanzania seems to be more developed then the United States in the areas that truly matter: respect, family, community, and education. And maybe it is time for Americans to look at themselves and all the material possessions they have in their so called developed nation and remember the last time they thought about anyone besides themselves.

Amanda Rose

Journal Entries

August 5^th, 2006

Today we visited Bagamoyo. As soon as we got out of the cars, we were swarmed by students and adults who wanted to take our pictures because we were white. It was absolutely crazy because we had never experienced anything like that in our entire lives. The people didn't seem to care who we were or what we were doing at first; they just wanted a picture of us to show to other people. Finally after taking our pictures, they began to ask us our names and where we were from. I thought it was cool that they were so happy to meet us and take pictures with us. However, it also made me wonder if that was how we treated the people living in Tanzania.

I think it is hard to find a balance between being interested in a culture and being over bearing or disrespectful. In the past three weeks, I hope that I didn't make anyone feel the way those people made us feel. I hope I never made anyone feel like an object or simply a tourist attraction. I am really interested in the people we have met and the towns they live in and I want to have pictures of those things to show my friends and family and to look back on when I am older, but I think we all need to remember that this is their culture and not some museum. These people aren't here to put on a show for us and we all need to be respectful of that and understand that some people might not want their pictures taken. From now on, I am going to try and make sure that I get to know the people before I try and take a picture of them. I am also realizing that it is important to remember that this is not our culture. We should have no say in what these people do or say because their culture is completely foreign to us. I think it is easy to look at certain events and think, I would not do something like that or I can't believe they would do that, but in all reality, we have no right to say those comments. All we can do is live our lives here, trying to learn from the people around us and reflecting on the new things we are learning.

At one point during the day, we visited the Catholic Museum. It was really interesting because they had saved some of the chains from the actual slave trade. As I stood in front of the chains I didn't know what to think or say or feel. I just felt empty. I couldn't imagine being forced to put those chains around my neck. I can't believe that there was a time when people would forcibly take other people from their homes and put them in chains and sell them to other people. That type of history is almost unbearable to think about but I think it was good for us to hear and see it. I really liked the comment that Thomas said as we were there. He said, it's not your guys' fault. You weren't involved in it and neither was I. I really liked that comment because it's important to remember that though we should all take responsibility for the past and trying to make the future a better place, we also need to remember to work together with everyone. No one is the enemy. We are all in the same place today, looking back at the same horrific history and it is only when we work together will anything ever change.

As I was looking around the museum, I noticed the lyrics to an old Slave Trader's song. The words were so cheerful, talking about Bagamoyo being the promised place where everyone felt at home and happy. I couldn't believe the lyrics because this place that was being described as cheerful and magical was the place where so many Africans were killed or beaten or taken from their homes. The Slave Trader's heaven was the slaves' hell. I found this really interesting because it makes me think about a lot of things in this world. To me, Tanzania is this great place to visit. A place of community and traditions, while to many of the people here, Tanzania is a place of hardship and poverty. It is interesting to think about the way we perceive the world around us and how that affects our outlook on things. I think that is especially important when we start to look at the way people do things in Tanzania. Just because something seems different or strange to us, it doesn't make it right or wrong. All we can do is learn from the people around us and realize that this is a great opportunity to learn and reflect about the world around us and our own lives.

Amanda Rose

Journal Entry

August 11^th, 2006

Now that we have been in Tanzania for a few weeks, I feel like there are so many things I had wished I had known before coming here and there are so many things I would like to tell future students. More then anything, next years' students should expect the unexpected. I think someone else wrote a journal about this in past years, but you never realize how true that statement is until you get here.

Today, I woke up and found that my mosquito net had fallen down in the middle of the night. After figuring out how to fix it and being very proud that it had worked, I then proceeded to lock my keys in my closet; all of my keys! It was only after four hours and some handy work with a screwdriver that I was able to recover all my keys. However, the cool thing about today was that it was still a great day. No matter what happened, I was able to figure out a way to fix the problem and move on with my life. I think that is one of the coolest things I am learning here. I feel like we become so concerned with the little things in America that we forget to be happy and to simply live life. It might be corny but I have always loved this country song that talks about life by saying that all we need to do is live and die but we spend our whole lives rushing around in one big hurry. It could be really easy to freak out or stress out about life in general in Tanzania. For the first time in our lives we don't have running water all the time, we don't know many people, and we truly have no idea what is going on around us and when things need to be done for the university. However, I am starting to realize that stressing out about things in pointless. Since being here, I feel so relaxed and stress-free because I am realizing that these five months will be the experience of a lifetime and when I look back at them, I don't want to remember all the little things that bothered me or other people. I want to look back and remember how it felt to smile and see new things and wake up and look out the hall windows overlooking the campus.

It seems like we have a lot of time to reflect here and we have a lot of new things to reflect about. I find myself wondering about my life and my future in America. When I was back home I thought I had everything figured out. For the first time in my life, I had chosen a major and I knew that I wanted to be a clinical psychologist and help people. However, now I am realizing that I will never truly have everything figured out and I would never want to. I don't know if I want to be a psychologist anymore. I feel like we are raised in America to want certain things such as a house, money, a family, and a prominent career. For most of my life, my parents were always working and too busy to take time off for family vacations. I don't think it's wrong for Americans and other people to want to be successful but now I am realizing that life really is full of the unexpected. Whether it is locking your keys in your closet or something more drastic such as death, we never know what tomorrow will bring and we can't count on anything but today. All I know is that I want to be happy and I want to wake-up everyday and know that I am truly blessed to be alive and to have the time and opportunity to be with my friends and the people I love and I am seeing those same ideas in the people I am meeting in Tanzania.

When I first started packing for this trip, I thought that I would never survive five months away from home. There were even times when I wanted to come back to America with Barbara and Terry and just give up because I was starting to feel homesick. However, now I am realizing that life is so short and that I would never change this experience for anything in the world. All of the good times and the bad are making me into a different person. I may not know what I want to do with the rest of my life or what we are expected to do in three days, but I know that I need to appreciate everyday and everything around me and that in the next few months I need to do everything I could ever imagine because sometimes opportunities only come once in our lives.

Amanda Rose

August 13^th, 2006

Journal Entry

One thing I am starting to realize is that I will never truly be able to fit into the African culture around me. When I started to pack for this trip, I kept telling myself that I was going to give up everything American when I came here and I was going to truly experience Tanzania from an African viewpoint. To me this meant only bringing skirts and not packing my beloved I-pod. As I watched the other students wearing jeans and listening to music or using their laptop computers, I would quietly tell myself that they weren't trying as hard as I was to fit into the culture around us. I would almost feel proud of myself because I felt like I was giving myself completely to the world around me. I would think this because I did believe it at the time and also because those thoughts would make me feel better when I was longing to listen to music or watch a movie on my computer. However, I don't think those thoughts are correct anymore. I still want to try my hardest to “fit in” to Tanzania culture and I will continue to wear only skirts but I also think that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to take away the American culture that I left behind; and I don't think that that is a bad thing either.

When something is apart of your culture, I don't believe that you can just turn it off. I believe it is apart of you and it will affect your life no matter where you go. As hard as I was trying to run away from my American life, it would show up at random times and in those experiences I would find the comfort I needed to make Tanzania feel like home. Tonight started out like every other night so far. We ate Tanzanian food in the cafeteria and we all went back to our rooms where we have no music or entertainment like we would have back home. However, by the end of the night, we were all dancing and singing on the top of the roof with the other American students in our dorm. It had been a girl's 21^st birthday and to celebrate her group threw her a party on the roof and they invited all of us to join them. It was one of the most amazing nights here yet. Anyone watching us on the roof might have thought we were crazy because we were all singing at the top of our lungs to old songs from our childhood as we made up crazy dances. But to us, it was this amazing feeling that no matter where we were, even 8000 miles away from home, things were still the same. We could still find comfort and happiness in being students and having fun. I think it is important to learn as much as we can while we are here. But I also think we need to remember where we came from and we need to realize that we can never truly change who we are or the experiences that have shaped our lives. All we can do is live our lives with an open mind and remember that there are so many different people and ways of doing things in this world.

For awhile, I was almost ashamed to say I was American here because I knew that people would automatically assume I was rich and possibly a bad person because of the effect our president and our government are having on the rest of the world. I would sit and almost be proud to hear Tanzanians say that they hated President Bush. I still agree that our president hasn't done the best job, but I don't think that anyone can live running away from their culture. Though we might disagree with the way our country does things, we are still citizens from that country and if we are living there, we must have some reason; we must have something that we love or else we should be living somewhere else. This is also something I am learning from the people we are meeting here in Tanzania. No matter what is going on they seem to be truly happy and proud to be Tanzanians. I absolutely love this about them because I think that each and every one of us in this world needs to be able to look themselves in the mirror and say that they are proud of who they are and where they come from. It is only when we look at the world and our lives with hope that we will ever have enough strength to change the future.

Amanda Rose

August 15^th, 2006

Journal Entry

We are finally on our travel break now and everything is amazing. However, for the first time since I arrived in Tanzania, I have had a moment where I was truly angry. Two days ago, my group was walking to Ubungo Bus Station to catch our bus to Lushoto when we were mobbed by a group of men. They started by following us down the street and into the bus station's office, until they actually started touching us and putting their hands on our faces. I can't even describe what overcame me when I saw this strange man put his hand on Anna's face. I felt like I had been pushed into this protective mind state where I would and could have done anything I needed to do to protect my friends. I have never been a fighter but at that moment I was ready to take on any of the guys around me, no matter how big they were because they had stepped over a boundary.

This was the first time I ever felt unsafe in Tanzania. I didn't know what they were going to do to us or how we would get away from them and onto our bus. At one moment, I actually grabbed a guy's hand and pushed it away from Anna. Looking back, I realize that I was lucky that he thought it was funny, because he was much bigger then me and things could have gotten out of hand pretty quickly. The whole event made me realize that we are all a lot stronger then we think and that in certain situations we have to find this strength inside of us to deal with the problems around us. It was a good moment for me because we were able to get away from the guys and I felt proud that I was able to stand up to them. However, I also felt absolutely horrible because I was so angry that anyone would ever try and touch my friends. From that moment on, I looked at every guy around us as the problem; as something that I would take out if I needed to. Up until that point I would usually respond to strangers and say jambo, but after that I realized that I didn't want to talk to anyone. I felt like our group had been pushed into this situation where we were all alone and we couldn't afford to trust anyone and we needed to be on guard all the time.

I realize that we need to be extra careful while we are here because we will always stand out no matter where we are or what we are doing. However, I also hope that as the months go on, we won't have to always be on guard because that is no way to live a life. I don't want to look at people and think the worst or think that they will try and come after us. After that event at the bus station and the events on the street where everyone tries to talk to us and follow us, I find myself missing the small town charm that most of us felt at our universities in America.

At Luther, everyone says hi to everyone else and you would be considered rude not to respond to someone. This has been one of the biggest challenges I have faced here. It has been so hard to ignore the men on the street and pretend like we don't hear or understand them. Part of me wants to stop and say hi and be polite but I also realize that I can't always do that. I don't know if I will ever be completely comfortable ignoring people on the street but I am also realizing that things are a lot different here and that we need to remember that.

One of the things that has helped us the most has been watching other women on the streets. Though the men here may try and talk to us more then some of the Tanzania women, we need to remember that they aren't just targeting us. As we watched the people around us we saw that other women were also being hassled and that they would simply keep walking. It's been interesting to see the way that men and women interact especially on the street because I think that the women’s' responses show that they are beginning to take control of their lives. They aren't going to let these men hassle them. They aren't going to pay them any attention because they are strong women and that is what we are trying to do. Even among all the differences between us and Tanzania women, I think that there are also a lot of similarities that can be found and I think that we will all continue to learn from each other in the next few months.

Amanda Rose

August 18^th, 2006

Journal Entry

For the past few days we have been staying at St. Eugene's hostel in Lushoto. I couldn't have imagined a better place to stay because the people are amazing and the food and the accommodations are beyond belief. However, these past few days have also been some of the most stressful for me because I don't feel like I can stay here because the entire place feels like it was built for white people. As soon as we got here, we decided to sign up for a few hikes. Everything was great until our guide informed us that they wanted us to pay in American money. The hostel wanted everyone who came there to pay in American dollars and they had even decided to make the hikes cheaper if they were paid in American money. The entire interaction made me very uncomfortable because we are in Tanzania. In Tanzania, people are supposed to use shillings to pay for things. Why then did this man and this hostel expect people to pay in American money? It all seemed ridiculous to me. It was as if the Western World had built this beautiful hostel and placed it in Tanzania; the entire hostel felt out of place to me. As the day continued on we realized that the hostel would set everything up for us including meals. Again I felt like I was stuck in this world that I didn't want to be in. I was so grateful that the people were willing to help us and make sure that our stay was amazing but I also felt like we had no control over anything. I found myself feeling really disappointed that we weren't given the chance to fail. We weren't forced to come out of our bubbles and try and figure things out. Once again, everything was given to us. Everything was safe and perfect and there seemed to be no room for us to face challenges and grow.

Everyone at the hostel spoke English and honestly if they hadn't we would have been absolutely lost. However, this also made me really uncomfortable. I just kept thinking, what has our world come to that I can travel in Tanzania without knowing hardly any Swahili? Why and how did it come that everyone in the world must speak English to survive? It was at that moment that I felt so horrible about our trip and myself. Here I was, an American, traveling around Tanzania, without knowing the language of the people around me and simply expecting that wherever I went someone would speak English. Honestly, I felt like a complete asshole. Who was I to expect other people to be able to help me? I am horrible at languages. I have never been able to master other languages and this may be one reason that I haven't tried as hard as I should have to learn Swahili. However, it wasn't until that moment that I realized just how privileged I was and how my white American privilege effected the way I looked at the world. I believe it was that privilege that the rest of the world must “bow” to the US that led me to think there was nothing wrong with traveling around in a country without knowing their language. This is what I hate the most about myself and most Western people, is that we have been taught, especially in the US that we are the power country. Everything we do or say or believe is right and everyone else in the world must change the way they do things so that they can be compatible with us. I think that is horrible and I hope that I will be able to learn more Swahili in the future because it is absolutely ridiculous for me to assume or even expect anyone in Tanzania to speak English.

It wasn't until this trip that I really started to realize how much I have changed since coming to Tanzania. As soon as we walked into our rooms at the hostel, we saw that we had real showers with hot water. To most people in America this wouldn't have been a big deal; in fact it would have been a relief probably or an expected accommodation. However, for me it was the first time I had felt hot water since leaving America and it caused a lot of turmoil in my head. I didn't know how to respond or what to do. I honestly wrote about the idea of hot water for almost an hour and I just sat there thinking, who am I to have hot water? For awhile, I wasn't going to take a shower at the hostel because I didn't think that I deserved hot water. Back in America I had always assumed it was my duty to have hot water, but after living in Tanzania I realize that there are millions of people who don't have that option and that it is something we all take for granted in America. The whole thing made me really uncomfortable because the only reason I was able to come to this hostel in Tanzania and use hot water was because I was white and I had come from a country that was quite wealthy. In comparison to most Tanzanians, I am quite wealthy and it has been really hard for me to deal with that privilege. I didn't want to come here and get special treatment. I wanted to come to Tanzania and live the way Tanzanians did and before I knew it, I felt like I had been forced into this Westernized area using accommodations that I didn't deserve and that other people in this country should have had. I wanted to come to Africa to experience a different life; I wanted to go back to the basics of living, but here I am feeling like I am still in the US. I had never expected that to happen and I feel like globalization has caused the world to change. It has been so disgusting to me to travel around the Tanzanian countryside and see Coca Cola and Pepsi signs. Last night I was reading this article that talked about globalization and how it had become Americanization. Just in Tanzania, globalization has led to higher rates of smoking, decreasing body images for young girls, and more fast food. Though globalization isn't all bad, I think it is important to make sure that globalization doesn't turn into Americanization. I am really interested in learning why people and nations decided to do the things they do. On the way to the hostel some of the village roofs were done in aluminum instead of wood. I wonder why this has happened. Is it that aluminum is better and keeps their houses more secure, or did they change their building materials because they thought they had to be modern and follow the Western world? I just hope that in the next few months I will be able to truly experience African culture because this world will never be the same if it all becomes one big America.

Amanda Rose

August19th, 2006

Journal Entry

A few days ago, our group traveled to some waterfalls near Lushoto. The entire drive was beautiful as we passed through the mountains and the small villages near Lushoto. However, it wasn't long before the scenery began to change and we saw two huge houses. We soon learned that one of these houses belonged to the current president and he used it as his vacation home. The other house belonged to the former President Mkapa. Though it makes sense to me that when you are the president or former president of a country you would have enough money to build a huge house, the houses made me wonder what kind of leaders we have running our world. As I passed the houses with satellite dishes and new bricks, I thought, how can someone who lives in a house like that really lead a nation, especially one with citizens who can barely afford enough to eat or schooling for their children? Then I began to think about the US and the similarities between our leaders and those of Tanzania. Until being in Tanzania, it had never occurred to me that there was anything wrong with our leaders and the amount of money they were making. I had always assumed that the leaders of a country were supposed to live in huge houses and drive nice cars. However, what can President Bush really understand about his American citizens who are living in the inner city, below the poverty line, with no hope for the future? How can someone who is born into wealth and privilege and who has never had to wonder where the next meal would come from or if the water would be safe enough to drink, be able to help those who are less fortunate then himself? I think that the situation maybe a little different for former President Mkapa and the current president of Tanzania, because they may have grown up in the local villages, but it still made me feel very uncomfortable to see their huge houses only a few miles from the small villages where children were walking around barefoot and using rain puddles to fill their drinking buckets.

I don't know what the solution is for this problem, but I do think that the leaders of our world are not looking out for the common man because they don't remember what the common man is going through. Honestly, until I came to Tanzania, I had always had water and food and enough money to buy whatever I wanted. Looking back at that life, I probably didn't understand what the common man went through. I wanted to understand how it felt to have very little and to deal with daily problems such as water, but I couldn't because my life didn't allow it. However, since living in Tanzania, I have had days with no electricity or water and animals crawling outside my dorm. I have also had a few experiences where I went hungry for awhile because there wasn't a lot of food around. Even with all these experiences, I realize that I will never truly understand what it is like to live in poverty, because even these experiences were better then those that the people living in Tanzania experience because of our program and my white privilege. However, I hope that one day our leaders will also take the time to think about the people they are ruling and what they go through everyday because the lives that many people in this world are living are very hard.

Another thing I noticed as we drove through the local villages near Lushoto was that the whole experience felt very awkward. I love staring out my window at the scenery and watching the people in the villages because I find their lives fascinating. However, as I looked out my window I realized that all I was doing was watching. I wasn't creating a relationship with anyone and I wasn't being allowed the time to really get to know anyone or see what is behind their outward lives. I felt like my window was a cage and I was in a zoo for humans. I still don't know which side of the window would have been in the cage because through my window I also saw everyone turn and stare at me and lots of children point and run after us. As I sat there, I felt like this was how stereotypes and generalizations were made, by having two groups of people simply stare at each other. To the people of the village, they probably thought they knew me. I was simply another white tourist coming through their village wanting to take pictures. They had no idea that I was actually a student and that I was here to learn about their culture. They had no idea what I was thinking or feeling and I had no idea what they were thinking or feeling. I hope that at the end of this experience, I will be able to step out of that cage and break those outward stereotypes because I think that the best resource into Tanzania culture is relationships and friendships and I don't want to leave Tanzania without those relationships.

Amanda Rose

August 22^nd, 2006

Journal Entry

Our travel time ended today and it made me really sad. The past two weeks have been amazing and I have done so many things that I would never have dreamed of doing. Looking back at our adventures, the thing that sticks out the most is how nice all the people we met were and how they all went out of their way to make us feel at home. This characteristic is something I have noticed in almost every Tanzania I have met so far and I still can't comprehend it.

The first guide we met was named Kwabana and he was amazing. He was with us until early evening every night, even though he had a family that I am sure he would have rather seen. When it was time to leave Lushoto, he went out of his way to get our group bus tickets and call his friend David in Tanga who he arranged to meet us at the bus station and take us to our hotel. Then in Tanga, our guide David took us around the city on his motorcycle, introduced us to his family and friends, and hung out with us on the town because we didn't know where anything was located. I am so grateful that these people went out of their way for us and that they made us feel at home but I still wonder why they did it. I want to believe that they did it because they are amazing people but at the same time we have been trained to think the worst about everyone. We have been taught that everyone here may have a hidden agenda that we don't know about. I can't even comprehend how a person could do so much for complete strangers. I have also found it hard to understand because no matter why they are so nice to us, I still have no idea how to thank them for everything. How do you thank someone who makes a place 8000 miles away from your home country feel like home? I just feel like I am so selfish because I can never truly tell these people how much their kindness met to me and I honestly don't know if I could have been so kind to a stranger back in my own country.

I also felt this warmth and hospitality when we stayed in Zanzibar at Mustapha's Nest. All of the workers there were amazing. They took the time to talk to us and invite us into their family of friends. I can't even explain how happy I was the first night we stayed there when they taught me to play the African drums and they invited me to sing and dance with them around the fire. It was that night that I felt the most at home since I left America. I think that human relationships are about that warmth and that idea that nothing else matters besides that moment and your friendship.

However, the thing that really bothered me about Mustapha's Nest was the way the rest of my group reacted to the people at the hotel. Before we made our reservations at the hotel, we knew that there was a chance that the workers might smoke pot because they were from the Rastafari culture. No one seemed to have a problem with this because we had heard such great things about the hotel. However, once we arrived and my group saw the hotel workers smoking pot they began to create judgments about them. They didn't seem to take the time to get to know the workers. From the first moment on the workers were bad people because they did drugs and there was nothing I could do to change my group's opinion. I think it is great for people to have morals and beliefs and if someone doesn't want to do drugs then they shouldn't. I also don't think it's wrong for someone to disagree with drug use. However, I can't stand it when people make prejudgments about other people; simply because a person smokes pot that doesn't make him or her a bad person. In my life at Luther I know lots of people who smoke pot and some of them are my best friends and the nicest people I have ever met.

I just wish that we could live in a world where outward appearances didn't matter so much and people could love each other whether or not they agreed with someone's lifestyle. This entire event made me think a lot about the issue of homosexuality in the world. I was raised in a liberal family and I have always been a supporter of homosexual rights. I feel like this incident and the battle over homosexuality have a lot in common. Just because someone doesn't agree with the relationship between two people of the same sex, they have no right to judge them or condemn them in my opinion. I think that we could all find something wrong or something that we disagreed with in every person's life if we really wanted to find it, but that is no way to live. There were honestly sometimes at Mustapha's Nest where I felt embarrassed because my group was making comments under their breath about the people around us; it was as if they thought the workers couldn't hear them or understand English when they could. I can understand if my group didn't want to be around drugs but I don't think that it is ever appropriate to put someone else down simply because you disagree with one of their choices. Maybe we should all think twice about the people we condemn or look down on in our own lives, because I truly believe that behind every person and every type of person there is someone who is welcoming and warm if we only give them the chance to show it.

Amanda Rose

August 24^th, 2006

Journal Entry

I feel like life can change so quickly sometimes. We got back from our travel time two days ago and the entire way back to the university everyone kept talking about the comfort they felt living in Dar-es-Salaam. For the first time since being here, the university and Dar-es-Salaam really felt like home; we all felt like we belonged and we were safe. After being gone for only two weeks, the entire university had created this feeling of comfort in us and we loved that feeling. We went to dinner like we normally did and everything seemed perfect. However, it was only hours after arriving back to campus when everything changed and we realized that we truly are 8000 miles away from home.

At about 8:30 pm on Tuesday, we heard screaming as we were washing our clothes from the trip. We thought that the ACM students living below us were playing games like they had been doing before going to dinner. However, within a few minutes we found out that four girls had been mugged at knife point near our dorm. I can't even begin to explain what I felt when I heard what had happened. My entire body froze and all I wanted to do was to cry and go home and see my family. I couldn't even imagine what the girls who had been mugged were going through. We all just stood there in silence and the rest of the night everyone cried and called home because we didn't know how to handle the situation. I couldn't stop thinking that it could have been me screaming. I had just been walking in the same place with the same amount of girls only 30-60 minutes earlier. The whole event made me realize how quickly comfort can turn into fear.

The thing that really bothered me about the whole event was the effects it had on everyone in our dorm. From that night on we were all paranoid about everything. Even today I still can't walk around campus without thinking that something bad may happen to me. Before we go to dinner we actually talk about the possibility of being mugged and we make sure that we have only a few shillings on us so it won't matter if it is stolen. I hate being paranoid because I want to believe that this is an amazing place to live and that the people living here are our friends. However, now I don't know if I can ever truly let someone from Tanzania into my life.

The day after the mugging, I was doing laundry by myself on the floor when I noticed three men from the dorm across from us looking at me. I know that they were probably just workers but the entire time I thought that they had bad intentions and that my safety was at risk. I wasn't going to give them the time of day because I knew that they must be horrible people and I hate the fact that I would be able to think or live my life that way. Now every man I see is a possible mugger and I feel like I can't trust anyone. Even people who simply say mambo or jambo to me may want to hurt me and I don't know how to properly deal with that fear. I have never wanted to be the type of person who walks around judging others, especially from outward appearances, but at the same time, I also realize that I need to be extremely careful because I am living in a completely different country now.

This situation has also made me think a lot about stereotyping in the US. It seems horrible for people to stereotype other people or to think that a certain type of person is bad but how can you be careful and not do that? I have never agreed with America's use of stereotyping, especially when it comes to possible terrorists after 9/11. However, when I look at my own life, I now think, how can we hear four girls scream because two African males attacked them and not look at all African men as dangerous? I don't want to stereotype the men around campus because I know that they are not all bad and I have met a lot of men who have been amazing. However, I don't know how we can draw that line between safety and caution and simply living life. I want to be safe during my time in Tanzania, but I also don't want to live too cautiously where I end up missing out on some experiences or meeting some amazing people because I was too scared or cautious to try something new or meet someone new. I guess in the end, all I can do is try to live my life normally and realize that anything can happen if I let my guard down too much.

Amanda Rose

August 27^th, 2006

Journal Entry

Today I went to my first church service on campus. It was an English service put on by some missionaries from America who were affiliated with the Baptist church. I thought it would be good for me to go to church because I want to try new things while I am here and I thought that church would be a good place for me to meet new people. At first it seemed like I had been right. I was able to go with a lot of girls from our dorm and we met a lot of nice people there. However, it wasn't long before the church's message began to make me feel very angry. During the pastor's sermon he began to talk about Christians and non-Christians by comparing them to grass and weeds respectively. As he continued talking, he said that everything would be fixed when Jesus came back to the world because then the weeds would be discarded. He then proceeded by telling the congregation that he would have time after the service to talk to us if we wanted to talk about our choice to become Christians. The service soon ended with the pastors handing out red Frisbees that had 12 steps to becoming a Christian on the back in Swahili. As we were heading back to our dorm, two African men who had been at church stopped us and asked us what they were supposed to do with the Frisbee. They had never seen one before. I found this fascinating because it made me feel like these white people were coming to Tanzania and pushing their white culture of Jesus and Frisbees on the African students. This idea was further reiterated when I began to think about the 12 steps to becoming a Christian. They had been written in Swahili, yet the entire service had been in English. Why was it that the only part that was in Swahili was on the back of a Frisbee, with the steps to finding Jesus?

Now I realize that I am quite biased when it comes to religion and specifically Christianity. Though I was raised in a very religious household because my father is a pastor, I have never fully agreed with the way some Christians live their lives, especially when they live their lives trying to convert other people. I have also had a lot of experiences in my life where Christians were condemning people they didn't know simply because of their lifestyles. All of these things have made me very cautious of church and religion. However, I still cannot believe the way that the church service handled their message. I think it is great if Africans have decided to follow Christianity. However, I still wonder why they have chosen that religion. Is it just because that religion was forced on them centuries ago, or have they truly found Jesus and God and want to live their lives as Christians? Sometimes I really wish I could just ask this question to someone from Tanzania. However, I don’t know if I will ever do that because I think it would be insensitive. I just want to make sure that everyone has a reason for what they believe Africans and Americans included. I don’t think that anyone in this world should take information for granted or never question where it came from. This is why I am still undecided about my faith, because I am still in the questioning process.

I have been thinking a lot about this idea of faith and religion in Tanzania because everyone seems to have so much hope for the future here. I find it amazing that people can live in a world where they have hardly anything and have been through years of oppression and war and still believe that everything will be okay one day. However, on the other hand, driving around Dar-es-Salaam, I have seen a lot of bumper stickers that say, “This car is protected by the blood of Jesus” and lots of white Jesus pictures plastered along the streets and markets. Most people would agree that Jesus couldn’t have been white because he was born in the Middle East. So why, in Tanzania, are there all these pictures portraying Jesus as a white man, especially when the white man has lots of negative images in Tanzania and was part of the oppression years ago? I just feel like something is missing in this equation and I hope that the white man hasn’t changed Africa forever by taking away their traditional religions and beliefs. I also hope that one day everyone will be able to worship whatever God they choose and we will all realize that no one is a weed in this world because faith is something that is individual and unique to each person.

Amanda Rose

Journals

September 1^st, 2006

A few days ago, I played ultimate Frisbee for the first time since coming to Tanzania. I was so excited when I heard that the missionaries on campus played Frisbee every Wednesday and that was all I could talk about for days. I love Frisbee and it seemed like it would be a small comfort from home. I had a great time playing but now I am realizing it could be really easy for all of us “white students” to isolate ourselves during this experience. All of us, besides Zack, live in a western style dorm. The dorm is amazing. The rooms are almost bigger then the ones we have back home and we all have our own porch that overlooks the Indian Ocean. We are all living next to each other on the floors and we regularly go out to pizza or get “American” food such as ice cream and chocolate at Hill Park. Even though we have been here for over a month, we only hang out with white people. We are all taking the same classes. We all play Frisbee together. We eat dinner with white people every night and we only really speak English. It just seems like we are creating our own America right here in Tanzania and I don't think that is a good thing. I think it is great to do stuff that reminds us of home but this experience isn't turning out quite like I imagined.

When I first decided to come to Tanzania, I imagined all the new things I would experience and all the Tanzanian friends I would meet. I thought that my life here would be completely different then it was back home. However, that isn't really the case. But what is worse is that I don't know how to change that and I don't know if I really want to change my life here. I want to meet more Tanzanians and do stuff that I could never do back home, but at the same time, it is so scary to be here and actually separate yourself from the other white people and your culture back home. For awhile, I was planning on taking societal structures of Tanzanian societies simply because I was the only white person in the class and I thought it would be a challenging but beneficial experience for me. However, that environment made me so uncomfortable and I don't know if I could have done it the whole semester. In the end, the class didn't work with my schedule but I honestly don't know if I would have taken it anyway.

The entire time I was sitting in class, all I could think was this must be what it feels like to be a leper. Everyone was staring at me and no one would sit by me. Finally one guy started talking to me and he was so nice but the entire time we talked, everyone just stared at him. It was as if they were wondering why he was talking to me. I didn't know how to react in that situation because that had never happened to me before. Since coming to Tanzania, that was the only time that I had been the only white person around. I wish I had been more social and tried to talk to more people, but there was something inside of me that was holding me back. I couldn't do it. I just wanted to run away and cry or go home and see my friends and family and feel like I belonged again. I didn't want to be stared at and I didn't want to be the outsider anymore. The only thing I could do was to try and look busy. I purposely isolated myself from everyone in the class and I pulled my journal out.

I am starting to realize that this experience is going to be a lot harder then I think. More then anything I just want to make friends here and not stay in my normal white comfort zone like I have been. However, I honestly don't know how to make friends here. I can talk to strangers and have a nice conversation but that isn't a friendship. I may never see them again and tomorrow I will have to start all over again. It is almost like everyday is a new uphill battle and that can be very overwhelming and there are times when I just want to be alone and not have to try so hard to make friends or “fit in” or even find someone to talk to me that isn't white. It is times like this where I just miss the comforts of home and having someone to simply talk to. I think that those close relationships where you can talk about anything with someone are going to be every important here, even if they are only with other white people because life can become very overwhelming and scary when you have no one to talk to.

Amanda Rose

Journals

September 3^rd, 2006

This was probably the worst week of my life. It was one of those weeks where every night you write in your journal saying this was the worst day of my life, but the next day somehow beats it. Today I actually started to count how many weeks we had left in Tanzania and I emailed my best friend back home saying, I just want to come home. Luckily, I realize that this is just my first real experience of culture shock and everything will get better but it is so hard to live here sometimes. Today I even made a list of all the things I “hate” about my life in Tanzania:

1. I hate how quiet our floor is. It is just me, Wendi, and Amy, and no one else. It is ALWAYS quiet! I miss Hall Four when everyone was together and there was always something to do and peoples' voices around from the other groups.
2. I hate Swahili class right now and how they make us come back in the afternoon. I am not learning anything because we go so fast and I have so many things to do and I have no time because of our class.
3. I hate it how I NEVER know what to do around campus when I need something. Today I went to make copies at the copy machine store and everyone budged in front of me because there are NO lines here for anything. Everyone just pushes their way to the front and there I stand not knowing what to do or where to go. Usually I just stand there until someone takes pity on the poor confused white girl.
4. I hate how when I finally got my copies made today, I was shoved by the mob of people (not standing in a line) right into the door and my knuckles almost started bleeding.
5. I hate how all the doors here have the same handles so I never know when to push or pull them and then I look very stupid.
6. I hate it how I don't understand Swahili very well no matter how hard I try. I went to the post office today to send a letter to my best friend and I couldn't understand the lady inside at the desk. I had no idea how much to give her and everyone was just staring at me.
7. I hate it how no matter where we go, people stare at us and creepy men try and talk to us asking us where we live and what our phone numbers are. To think that they would actually want to know our names or anything else about us beside where we live! And what sucks even more is that those are the ONLY people who will come and talk to us. Everyone else just stares at us as if they want us to go back to America.
8. I hate the library right now. I went there for the first time today and again, I had no idea what was going on (surprise surprise). I had to check my bag before going into the library and again there were no lines and it took forever for me to push my way to the front. None of the books I am supposed to read for class are in the library. When I tried to look around in the East Africa section the guy told me that I could only carry six pages of notebook paper with me when I came in.
9. I hate it how the computer labs are always full. ALWAYS. I can barely find a computer to type my papers on or my journals or to use to email home.
10. I hate how the food here is always the same no matter what meal it is.
11. I hate it how I feel unsafe in the dark and none of us can really leave the dorm after supper and there is nothing to do in the dorms.
12. I hate it how I can't go anywhere alone.

Sometimes I just feel like I can do nothing when I am here. I want to do everything and experience everything but I have no one to do things with and I can't do stuff by myself. And even if we did want to do something or I went by myself I would have no idea where to go or what to do. I feel like I am stuck in this weird world where I feel all alone all the time. I feel like there is no one to talk to but at the same time I have no independence. I feel alone but I can't actually be alone anywhere because it might not be safe. The white people are always together and if its dark out I can't go outside and the other girls don't want to. I just miss the way my life was at Luther where I would do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. I just want to know what the hell is going on. I want to see my family, friends, listen to music, watch TV, drink pop, not have to use bottled water, use my own computer, and have real friends not just people you say hi to on the sidewalk because you are both white.

I think what really scares me is that this is the first time in my life that I am in a new place and I have no one here to protect me or tell me what to do. For the first time in my life I am alone and experiencing the world on my own. What if I'm not strong enough to do it? Sometimes I feel like I am too shy to be here. I want to be extroverted and meet new people but something inside of me won’t let me do that. I feel like I have this little voice that is always saying don't do it. You can't handle this. I have been thinking a lot about my personality lately and how I should try and change that part of me that is so shy and quiet. But at the same time, when should we try and change who we are and when should we just accept something as our true self? Do any of us really know who we are or are we all just pretending to be something that others want?

Amanda Rose

Journals

September 5^th, 2006

Today I went to Kariakoo Market for the first time. The whole time we were riding the daladala, I just kept looking out the window at the people working and living on the streets. All I could think was, wow, I wish I could just fit in here. I just want to be able to blend in and be one of them for awhile. I want to see how Tanzanians really live and feel like they accept me and they don't look at my white skin and assume things about me. I am starting to really love daladala rides because then I can just stare outside my window and observe everyone without getting called mzungu or being mobbed by venders. Even though I realize that I am still not seeing how people really are or live by doing this, I feel like this is the closest I can come right now.

Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be peace and true acceptance in this world. I wonder if anyone including myself could ever be non-judgmental. I started to think about that this morning when I was standing outside the LINKS office with Wendi waiting for a car to take us to Aga Khan. During the two hours that we were waiting, we met a lot of people who were trying to talk to Thomas. One Austrian girl left the office saying that the whole place was inefficient. I understand her frustrations and there have been a lot of times when I would agree with her. However, at that moment all I could think was, inefficient to who? No matter how late the bank opens up on campus (8:40 am today) or if the profs forget they have class (like my dance class yesterday) or Thomas has ten people in the LINKS office, everything always gets done. I feel like inefficient is a relative word. Who is it inefficient for? Could it simply be inefficient for the foreign students who come here expecting to be waited on hand and foot and when they aren't they get mad? Sometimes I feel bad because we all get so stressed out about things here and sometimes we even blame Thomas. But it's not Thomas' fault. He is amazing and without him we would all be lost. And I think we all need to remember how lucky we are here. In a sense we almost are waited on hand and foot. Unlike the other students here, we get special help when we don't know what to do or we get extensions when signing up for classes. Compared to some of the other students here, we are living the life of luxury and protection.

As we stood there, we also had a talk about the other international students and one girl said that none of them were normal. I get somewhat defensive when people say stuff like that because what makes a person normal? I'm not normal and I don't know if I have ever met someone who is. What is normal? In the US, is normal mean we should all be rich Republicans carrying US flags, skipping meals, and dying our hair blond? Everyone has quarks and that's what makes them special. It really bothers me when foreign students start to talk about “normal” or say that someone or something here is not normal because I am sure that is what the Tanzanian students are thinking about us. How would we feel if we heard other people saying that kind of stuff about us? Especially when we are in someone else's country and culture I think we need to remember that we are the visitors no matter how much we try and fit in. If anyone is not normal here, it is definitely us.

During that same conversation outside the LINKS office, one of the girls who is a lesbian started to talk about bestiality and pedophilia by saying that those people weren't normal. Now I would never argue that those things are okay, but it made me think. The reasons she was using for her argument, saying that it was not normal and that she drew the line at those actions, are the same arguments people use to condemn homosexuality. I love this girl. She is absolutely amazing but it reminded me that each one of us has perceptions and judgments that we use to define people and behavior and it's sometimes easy for us to see our side on an issue but we need to be continually looking at all sides. How can we fight for one group of people such as homosexuals and not see that other groups are being condemned for the same thing? How can we make that distinction between good and bad?

In America, I was always surprised but fascinated to watch programs on the Mormon faith and polygamy where one man would have many wives. I would remember thinking that that was crazy, but why? It's only crazy because I wasn't brought up in a culture where that behavior was accepted and here in Tanzania polygamy is very common. Our student guide, Thomas, has a father with many wives and Thomas is amazing. This whole day and the conversations we had, made me think, if we can all have these judgments and we come from pretty open places, where we believe that we are accepting, then how can others, who live in less accepting places ever keep peace and love for their neighbors? Maybe peace could never be in the world; maybe we could never all get alone.

However, sometimes I feel like Tanzania is somehow different. That is the one thing that I still find so amazing about Tanzania: that amongst this world where everyone is trying to separate people into “us” and “them” there are over 120 tribes and different religions here that can live in peace. And yet, the rest of the world, especially the war-focused America who seems to have everything and yet can't keep peace, would dare to call Tanzania a developing country. Something with that statement sounds wrong!

Amanda Rose

Journals

September 8^th, 2006

Today I decided to make a list about the differences I have noticed between American and Tanzanian cultures. Unlike my hate list that I made earlier in the week, this list is just a list about the things I am finding amazing here. This is a list about the funny and unique stuff I want to remember one day and that I want people back home to know because sometimes it's the little things that can make all the difference.

1. In Tanzanian hospitals, elevator doors don't automatically open when you stick your arm in them. Most of the time, the door actually keeps closing!
2. Here nothing has a time when it will open. Things open when the security guard comes and unlocks the doors and sometimes he doesn't even know what key will unlock the locks!
3. Classes don't start on the first day of class, but they might, which means you NEED to go, no matter what your Swahili teacher says!
4. Assigned readings for class are just suggestions, especially because the library has none of the books.
5. There are no stoplights in town. Drivers just honk and go and hope they won't hit anyone!
6. Don't wonder in the library because some sections only allow you to carry six pages of paper. NO NOTEBOOKS
7. Don't come to supper in Darusos before 6:30 pm or after 8:00 pm because there will be no food besides chipsi mae and at other restaurants off campus, there will be no food until 7:00 pm.
8. There are no lines for anything and even when there appears to be a line, there isn't. If you don't push your way through you won't be helped.
9. Don't be surprised if people pick their noses or don't wear deodorant.
10. At the hospital, most people don't wear gloves when taking your blood.
11. Don't be surprised if little kids want to shake your hand in the bathroom or if really small kids at the hospital just stop and stare at you. Most children here haven't seen very many white people.

Today I also had my first dance class of the semester. Out of the 23 students, only 6 of them are African. It was such a weird experience because I found myself in a class where I was part of the majority again. As I sat there, I actually felt bad because here we are in Tanzania and in this class, being African means you are the minority. I couldn't believe that that was happening, especially because here it seems like that wouldn't happen very often if at all. It also made me feel bad because it seemed like we were making a joke of the school and the dance class. Here these 6 African students are taking this class because they are majoring in it and they are serious performers, while here we are, 17 white people just trying to take a fun class. Sometimes I feel bad because I am expecting every moment of this trip to be life-changing and different from my normal life. There is no doubt that this experience will be life-changing but how do you make it a natural change when the whole time you are thinking, I NEED to change because this has to be a life-changing experience or else I don't know what I will do.

My Tanzanian roommate moved in a few days ago though she rarely spends the night. I love her already because she is so sweet and friendly. However, I am also realizing that I have no idea what to talk to her about. Why is it that I feel awkward around her? For the first few days we had lots to talk about because we knew nothing about each other. But now, I really have to think hard about things to say when she is in the room. This bothers me a lot because I don't have this same problem when I go to Wendi or Amy's rooms. When I do that, I feel comfortable, like I know what to do and talk about. It just seems very natural. But with my roommate, I just feel like my guard is up all the time. I want her to like me and I don't want to offend her so I walk on eggshells all the time. Whatever she wants is fine with me. I think I am trying to hard to be what she wants me to be or what I think she wants. I think I just need to relax and be myself. We don't have to talk all the time. I don't even do that with my best friends so why should I have to do it with her?

I already love my roommate but she is never around because she sleeps at her boyfriend’s apartment off campus. I find this kind of strange because the same thing appears to be happening with Julia (from Brown) and Carly's roommates. They just don't sleep on campus. The problem with this besides that we get a little lonely is that we keep being told that there is a shortage of housing on campus. There are thousands of students who have to find their own housing because the campus is too full. Well, if this is the case, then why do these three students get their own dorm rooms when they are never around? It just makes me a little uncomfortable because I feel like our being here is negatively affecting other students and their experience here at the university. If we weren't here then the housing coordinators wouldn't have picked these students to live in the dorms, because apparently they hand pick the people we live with; they try and pick certain students who are good students. I just hope that we aren't getting special treatment or that our roommates aren't either. I just want to live here and experience the life that other Tanzanian students experience, well as close as I can get being a mzungu!

Amanda Rose

Journal

September 10^th, 2006

This past Friday, we went to our first Tanzanian party with Amy's roommate at a local hotel. It was one of the many parties that the different programs and departments put on during the first few weeks of campus. I had an amazing time but it was also a lot different then I expected. By the end of the night, almost ¾ of the African students were drunk and most of the girls that were there were wearing very revealing clothing. At one point we saw two girls who were wearing shirts without backs. We also saw a lot of girls wearing very short skirts. The whole time I was at the party, all I could think was, what would the elders of Tanzania think about this and those clothes and everyone being drunk? But then again, why do I say that? Why do I expect Tanzania students to be fully dressed and not drink when that's not how American students act? Why is it that I can see white students drinking and partying and not think twice?

I feel like I sometimes judge Tanzania unfairly almost from a “dark continent” perspective even though I don’t mean to do that. For some reason, I have this image in my head where Tanzania is still completely full of the stereotypical village or tribe life where nothing is modern and everything is old-fashioned; but that's not fair especially when I have never once thought, what would the elders think about us in the US? What would my grandparents think about the local dance bar in Decorah or the times when I have gotten drunk with my friends? Why is it that I can see my friends wearing revealing clothing and hooking up with guys and think that that is okay? Maybe that is human nature though, to be able to analyze other people and their actions but rarely ourselves because we never want to think that we might be doing something that is wrong or that others might look down on.

I am also finding myself being very judgmental of the Western perspectives that many of our roommates seem to have. Amy's roommate Irene is absolutely beautiful. She has a beautiful face and hair and fashionable clothing but yet she is so concerned with her weight. Sometimes that is all she talks about. Do you guys exercise? You aren't going to finish your meal, well you must be on a diet then. She is always looking at herself in the mirror and at the party she said that she couldn't wear those revealing clothes because they wouldn't look good. Whenever I hear African women saying things like that or I see young girls wearing tight westernized clothing I think it is horrible but why do I think that? Why do I care? Why is it “bad” to me that African women care about their body size or want to look fashionable? I do the same things in America.

I feel like I am just surprised at the way young women here act because they are so similar to the way women are back home. I think that it is cool but at the same time I sometimes just want to yell and say stop it, you don't want to be like Western women. I just feel like the Western influence on women is going to be very negative. I just wish they could realize what is happening and that the size of your body doesn't matter and the clothes you wear shouldn't have to be skimpy. I don't want the Western influence to cause girls here to become anorexic like it does back home. That was one thing I loved when I first arrived in Tanzania, that all the older women seemed so confident with themselves and their bodies no matter what size they were. In one of my sociology classes here, the professor talked about anorexia and he had to explain the concept to the African students because they hadn't had to experience that illness here. While on the other hand, all of the white students knew exactly what he was talking about and I am sure that we all could have named tons of people we knew who had dealt with that issue.

Being in Tanzania is becoming a very eye-opening experience for me with regards to my life and the so-called Western life I live back home. I think this is happening because I am able to live here and see the influence that the Western world is having on girls right in front of me and it is making me feel very protective. In a sense I feel the need to “save” the girls here and tell them not to fall for these new ideas and to not care that the models here are now becoming very thin. I want to shout out loud and say look at us white students and the problems we all have and the negative body perceptions we have where we want to know how much fat we are eating and say you don't want to turn out to be like us or the girls in our country. I feel like I know that our body perceptions in the US are bad but that at the same time, I also realize that I can't change my thoughts and the way I was raised in our culture, but maybe I can help others who are just beginning to experience this culture. However at the same time, who am I to say these things? Who am I to go, you shouldn't care about your body size when in the back of my head I am thinking the same thing. Who am I to say that the Western influence is bad? If Tanzanian women decide they want to lose weight and wear revealing clothes who am I to judge that behavior? Things change in this world and who says that has to always be bad? Why don't I look at the US and wonder why we don't all still wear pilgrim outfits if I can look at Tanzania and wonder why the girls don't all wear kangas anymore. I guess I am just finding it hard to know why things are changing here. I just want to make sure that people are happy and that they are doing what they want to do and not something that is being forced upon them by the Western culture. I love America and my life back there but there are definitely things about our culture and our perceptions about beauty that I would never wish on my worst enemy. And I hope that everyone realizes that there can never be a universal image of beauty and we will all never fit into the same cookie cutter image so why try and create one through advertisements around the world? When can we all grow up in a place, Tanzania or America, where beauty is something on the inside, regardless of your outward appearance?

Amanda Rose

Journal Entries

September 12^th, 2006

This past week, I have started to notice how hard it would be to go to a school like the University of Dar-es-Salaam, for your entire college career. I feel this way not because I don’t love it here, because I do love the university. Every professor I have met so far has been amazing. I feel like I have already learned so much from them because they are willing to teach the students to be accepting and open to the world around them. For instance, in my philosophy of religion class, the nun told us that she will never say that one religion is better then another, because they all have the same endpoint and that is all that matters. Also, I don’t feel like the professors are telling us to simply memorize information like I sometimes have to do in America. However, for the amount of students that attend this university, there are not enough resources to go around. The computers on campus are very slow and unreliable, not to mention that there are not enough to accommodate the thousands of students who need to use them throughout the day. It also doesn’t help that the students here have to pay to use the computers. In our classes, the professors gave us a reading list for their classes. However, none of the books are in the campus library and if there is one copy it is more then likely checked out for the next two weeks. A few days ago, I was looking for a book on HIV/AIDS for one of my classes. In the end, I did find some books about the topic, but all of the books were from the early 1990’s. So my question is, how can we expect students around the world to become knowledgeable and able to lead their countries when we aren’t giving them the necessary resources to do that?

This especially bothers me because I know how many resources we have back in America. At our colleges we have the newest books and computers and we take it all for granted. It really makes me feel bad to think that the students here, who work so hard to make it to the university, have to fight for limited resources. What makes me feel even worse about this is that I don’t know what I can do to help. I don’t know how we can change the way the world is. All I know is that all of the students I have met are amazing people and they have so much will to learn and change the world around them and I just wonder what they could do if they were actually given a fighting chance and they had the same resources that we have back in America.

A few days ago we also went to our first movie at the New World Cinema in Mwenge. Even though we were only there for a few hours, I learned a lot from the whole experience. When we first got to the movie theater, I felt very uncomfortable. It was obvious to me that the night would be another Western night out. The huge theater looked very new and expensive. As Anna pointed out later, the theater even had a parking lot. To people back in America this might not seem like a big deal, but here in Tanzania, where most of the citizens don’t own their own cars, a place with a parking lot tells you that many rich people come there. As we sat there waiting for the movie to start, getting any type of food we wanted in the theater’s large concession area, I just wanted to run away. In my head, I kept thinking, it will be nice to see a movie, but why did I travel 8000 miles to do the same thing I would do in America? However, I was proven wrong. It turned out to be one of the best nights here. Though we might not have had a true Tanzanian night out, we were able to experience a culture that we had never experienced before. This happened because we chose to go to a Bollywood film that had very few seats left. When we entered into the theater to split up and find our seats we realized that we were the only white people in the entire theater; everyone else was Indian. It was absolutely amazing. I can’t even begin to describe how cool it was to be surrounded by Indian people watching an Indian film about Gandhi. I loved it because we were able to watch the audience cheer and clap about one of the greatest leaders of their country. I felt so inspired as I sat there watching everyone.

Throughout the movie, they talked a lot about Gandhi and how after his death he was immortalized through pictures and statues. The movie’s message was that that wasn’t a good thing. It is great for people to remember fallen heroes but it doesn’t matter how many pictures people hang up of you or how many streets you have named after you. What really matters is that people remember what you stood for and they remember that in their hearts and daily lives. I thought that was the most amazing message because as long as you keep spreading a person’s message to others, it will never die. As I was listening to this message, it reminded me a lot about Tanzania and how everyone seems to have a picture of the current president and Nyerere hanging in their houses, schools, and stores. I think that is a cool idea and it’s great that people have so much pride in their leadership but I wonder why they hang those pictures up? Do they do it because they have to or because they want to live a life like that? I’m not sure what the answer is to my question, but I do think it is a cool idea to know that in our hearts and minds no one ever dies and their messages and inspiration will live on forever.

Amanda Rose

Journal Entries

September 14^th, 2006

Today in my class, society, culture, and health, our professor talked about sex. He was showing us that culture affects everything we do in our lives, including the different sexual styles we use. This conversation was tied into his lecture because he was showing us that certain villages in Africa are spreading HIV/AIDS faster because of their sexual practices. Though he may have gone into a lot of detail that wasn’t necessary, I thought it was an awesome lecture. I didn’t even think twice about it until we were standing in line for lunch. This is when I heard some of the other American girls in my class complaining about the class saying that they felt very uncomfortable during the lecture and that he shouldn’t have talked about that stuff. I found this whole situation really interesting because after our visit to the secondary school near Arusha our group kept saying that Tanzanians needed to be more open about sex. If the students were ever going to learn how to protect themselves from diseases, specifically HIV/AIDS they needed to be taught about it. And here I was, listening to American students saying that sex is something that shouldn’t be talked about in class because it makes them feel uncomfortable. All I could think was, why is sex so bad? Why do people get so mad or uncomfortable when talking about it? I also thought that we can easily come here and say that Tanzanian’s need to be more open about sex but what about the US?

I will be honest. I know absolutely nothing about sex and I have always been uncomfortable talking about it. However, I don’t think that that is a good thing. I think in general, the world needs to provide more education about sex especially for young children. Today I was talking to a counselor on campus and she told me that girls in Tanzania are starting to have sex at the age of 12 and I know the same thing is happening in America. When people are having sex without knowing the precautions they should take, young girls are getting pregnant and people are being infected with life-killing diseases. Whether or not talking about sex makes you uncomfortable, I think it is worth it. A lot of people may argue that teaching young children about sex will make them think sex is a good thing at their age, but the truth is that simply telling a student how to protect themselves isn’t going to make them have sex. In the end, I think education is the only thing that will ever save anyone. We live in a dangerous world, but it is only dangerous when you don’t know how to protect yourself. This is why I think that people everywhere should have the chance to be informed about their bodies and the world around them because then maybe we wouldn’t all be so scared.

This is something I am still finding really hard to comprehend. What makes something scary and unsafe or an exciting adventure? Tonight I decided to go to a local club with this guy I had met a few days ago. He was extremely nice and gentlemen like and the plan had been that Amy and I would go with him and his friends. However, when he showed up to pick us up, Amy started to feel sick and no one else wanted to come. I still wanted to go and he had come all the way to our dorm so I decided to go. Looking back at the situation I realize that that was probably one of the stupidest decisions in my life. At least that was what I thought as soon as I got into the car. I opened the door and there I sat with four Tanzania men, only two of which I knew. I was absolutely terrified as we started driving. All I could think was, it would be so easy for them to take me to some deserted area and rape and kill me. I just wanted to cry and call my friends the whole time. However, the night turned out to be amazing and I loved every minute of it. I had a great time dancing and I met a new friend. The entire night I felt protected like they wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. Looking at the situation, I realize that I was very lucky because it could have turned out badly. I could have been hurt and I don’t think I would ever go alone with a group of guys I don’t know very well again. However, what would have happened if I had decided to back out because it seemed a little scary? I would have missed out on a great night and meeting an amazing new friend. So my question is, how do you know when you need to jump off the cliff without being 100 percent sure the parachute works and when should you wait at the peak, simply looking at the view and not experiencing it because you are waiting to test your parachute?

Amanda Rose

Journal Entries

September 16^th, 2006

In America, people talk a lot about slowing down and truly living their lives. Some people say that we should all take time to stop and smell the roses. This is something I have been trying to do more in my own life because I feel like I am always worried about the future and what needs to be done later that I forget to enjoy the small moments. This past week has been absolutely crazy and I don't even know what I did. All I know is that every night I am absolutely exhausted both physically, mentally, and emotionally. This seemed so weird to Amy and me because we felt like we hadn't done anything the whole day and yet every night we would just collapse. This made me think about my daily activities and what it feels like to live here and to be a white woman in Tanzania. I wish I could bring all of my family and friends here so they could experience this for themselves, because it is almost unexplainable in words. However, I have decided that I want to try and explain the way I feel walking around campus everyday

From the moment I wake-up in the morning till the moment I fall asleep, I am constantly on show. Everywhere I go, I see people staring at me; their eyes following me no matter what I say or do. For the first time in my life, I actually see peoples' heads moving as we all walk by. I feel like I am in junior high again and I find myself being so conscious of everything I do. I walk around campus thinking in my head: Who should I look at? Who do I say jambo to? Do I know any of these people? Why are they all staring at me? Do I look stupid? Every minute of the day is filled with this constant anxiety that I am doing something wrong. I have to be constantly pushing myself to talk to strangers and to listen to what people are saying because most of the people around campus speak Swahili. I have to muster up the courage to ask people questions when I am lost and when I don't see anyone I know. Everyday is another uphill climb because I feel like I am starting over. Everything that I did yesterday has been erased. The chances are I won't see the people I talked to yesterday and I will need to meet new people I can talk to for this day. I have to be constantly on guard, wondering why people are talking to me and what they want from me. I used to hear a lot of people talk about their nightmares where they were naked and everyone was staring at them; everyone was judging them and there was no way they could hide. In Tanzania, that is sometimes how I feel. No matter how hard I try and blend in I feel like everyone can see me and they know that I don't belong here. Being a white woman in Tanzania, I feel very vulnerable. I know that everything I do will be judged and the hard part is that I don't know how to act in every situation. There are times when I just want to escape. I just want a break. I want to be able to blend in and not have to try so hard all the time. Sometimes I just wish things were easier here. There are even times when I just want to stay in my room alone because I know that at least there I am accepted.

I think what makes this situation so hard is that there are also times when I feel so accepted here. There are times like today when I am walking to lunch alone because my friends have class and a Tanzanian will ask me to eat with him and his friend. There are also those times when someone new will make the first move and talk to you. I think that is what I love about this trip. No matter how many times I get tired or annoyed or miss home, I would never want to go home; at least not right now when I still have three months to go. I want to be here more then anything and I can barely imagine what it will be like to come back to America. I can already tell that I am going to miss Tanzania. In a weird way, I am going to miss being the minority. I am going to miss those awkward feelings because those are the moments that are pushing me outside my comfort zone. Those are the moments that are making me a better person.

My best friend at college just left for a year long study abroad program in Nottingham, England. When I was trying to comfort her because she is already homesick, I realized how amazing this experience is to me and that is something that I wish everyone could experience in their own lives; that feeling that you are finally doing the one thing you always wanted to do. That feeling that for the first time in your life you are ready for anything and you would never want to be anywhere else then where you are. That is how I feel about Tanzania. No matter how hard it has been, I love it here and I feel like every wish I have ever wanted has come true and I am finally content with my life. I think that as people we are sometimes very scared about the world around us. We don’t want to try something new and fail at it. We want to stay in our comfort zone. However, from this trip I am realizing that the real moments in life are never easy; life won’t just wait for you in your comfort zone. Sometimes you need to take a chance and live and be willing to fall on your face because in the end, those moments where you realize that your dreams are really coming true, are the best moments of your life.

Amanda Rose

Journal Entries

September 19^th, 2006

Yesterday in my society, culture, and health class, the professor talked about terrorism. He asked the class what terrorism really was. I found this class fascinating because how many of us have really thought about that question before? But at the same time, we let that one word (terrorism) control our lives and our countries. What is terror to one person is respect and honesty to another. It is good to be cautious and understand that terror is around us but I think we sometimes let our fears control our lives. Especially as Americans we tend to think that the entire world is against us. Now this might have some truth to it, but when have we ever thought about the consequences of our own actions? When September 11^th happened I was shocked. I didn’t know how to react or what to think. However, I also realized that my country had been doing the same thing to other countries for years. Why was it that only after thousands of Americans died that our country began to think that war was bad and that now we needed to protect ourselves? Why didn’t people realize that everyday hundreds of people were dying in other countries because of American warfare? I think it is easy to forget about the rest of the world sometimes. Especially in America we are raised to look out for ourselves and make sure that we are okay. However, I don’t think that is any way to live.

Over the past few weeks I have also been talking to a lot of my Tanzania friends about America and the war on terror. When we first started to talk and they told me that they understood why Muslims and Arabs were killing Americans and that they would too if they were in the same position, I was shocked. I didn’t know how to react to that statement. I would just look at them and say, you would want to hurt me or someone else from my country? I found it fascinating to hear about America from an outsider’s point of view. This is one of the reasons why I wanted to come to Tanzania. I wanted to be able to see my country for what it really is. I wanted to know and see what America was doing to the rest of the world. I just feel like Americans are being lied to and manipulated. I believe the easiest way to control people is to make them fearful because then they will be too scared to leave you or not follow your commands. We talked a lot about this idea of fear and power in relationships in my classes at Luther, especially with regards to domestic abuse. This is what I think President Bush is doing to the American people. He is making us so fearful of the rest of the world and terrorism that we have stopped thinking for ourselves and we will mindlessly follow him and re-elect him like the country did in 2004. So my question is, what are Americans so afraid of?

In the book that Terry gave us to read about the differences between American and Tanzanian culture, it talked about hitchhiking by saying that it was quite safe in Africa. The book said that many people used this mode of transportation because not everyone could afford a car and people were always willing to stop and pick you up because they felt obligated to help their fellow citizens. I was talking about this idea before my Swahili class yesterday with some of the international students. I happened to mention that I would be flying to Namibia in December and that my friend and I would be hitchhiking around because gasoline was so expensive. Before I had even finished my sentence, they were telling me that that idea was unsafe. The first thing they said to me was, “You know you will be raped and murdered?” Now, I agree that that is something to think about but why is our reaction always so negative? Why can’t we ever see the situation for something it could be? I think it is good to teach kids to be safe and cautious but in the end, if we teach them that, they may never truly live.

I was raised to be cautious and I always was. To be honest, I was absolutely scared my entire childhood. What if someone comes and kidnaps me? What if I get an A- on my report card? What if I never get married? What if I get killed or hit by a car or bit by a dog? I spent 20 years of my life running away from everything because it could be dangerous but what good did that do for me? Ever since coming to Tanzania I feel free. I feel like I can do anything I want and that I will do it all before I leave. I don’t think that I am being reckless I just think that I am finally ready to experience life. Bad things can always happen no matter how safe you are, so why live in fear? As humans we tend to fear the unknown and underestimate ourselves. Before coming to Tanzania I didn’t think I would make it the entire five months. During the first two weeks in Arusha, I was ready to pack up my bags and go home with my directors because I didn’t think I would be strong enough to survive on my own for five months. However, now I realize that I am a lot stronger then I ever thought and that I am ready for anything. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, all I do know is that I am alive today and I had better start living before its too late.

Amanda Rose

Journal Entries

September 21^st, 2006

After being here for a few months, I am starting to realize just how different American culture is from Tanzanian culture. There are so many things I had never thought about before coming here and I never realized how different life could be. I am in the process of setting up a volunteer opportunity with the campus’ counseling unit. After talking to one of the counselors here, she told me that they would love to have me help in the office and that I would have the opportunity to work one-on-one with students. I was so excited when she told me this that I actually called my father at 6 in the morning to tell him the good news. The counselor told me that I would have to write a letter to the director of student services telling him who I was and what I wanted to help with. I spent the next day writing a letter to him trying to make it as professional as possible. When I went to turn the letter into the office, the first thing his assistant said was, “He is a professor not a Mr.” I had unfortunately addressed the letter and the envelope by using Mr. instead of professor. I didn’t know what to do as I stood there. All I could think was, yes, I am sorry about that, but can you just give him the letter? I know that titles are important in America too, but for the most part, it seems that people are okay with being called Mr. or Mrs. or Miss. I always thought that those titles were a sign of respect. It had never occurred to me that in Tanzania it would be especially important to make sure you address people by their appropriate title because here respect, especially for elders, is everything. However, I was also a little bit angry after talking to his assistant. I appreciate him telling me that, but with a lack of computers on campus there was no way I was going to go and reprint my letter. It also made me think, how are we supposed to know these things? I feel like there are probably lots of things that I have done or will do in the future that will offend people. Being from a different culture, I don’t know how things are supposed to run here. Sometimes that is what frustrates me about being in a different country: not knowing anything. No matter how long we have been here, I still feel helpless like I know nothing. I still don’t know how to order all of my breakfast food in Swahili. I don’t know where in the library our reserve readings for class will be. I don’t know how to write a cover letter for our papers here and what information the professor wants on that cover letter. To put it simply, I don’t know anything.

However, what is so crazy about this experience is that I actually enjoy not knowing anything sometimes. I sometimes feel like I am lost and that’s okay. I feel like this experience is pushing all of us to work together and ask for help, something I know I am not very good at. What is so bad about not knowing what is going on? Why does it seem so hard to ask for help? We are not alone in this world and I think that is an important lesson to teach children, especially children raised in an individualistic society. The only way anything will ever get done is if we work together and we put our pride aside.

Since coming here, it has also been interesting to see how people react to us. Our dorm has been having a lot of problems with power and water. We are the only dorm on campus that doesn’t have water usually. At first everyone kept telling us that this was good for us to experience. Our roommates and friends thought that we should have to carry water for awhile just because we could never experience that back in America. However, after 3 weeks without water, everyone started to feel bad for us. They couldn’t understand how we could still be hauling water up 8 floors and not complaining. They said this was inappropriate and that we shouldn’t have to put up with this and that we should be complaining to the warden. I thought this was interesting because it didn’t bother any of us. The water shortage seemed to bother our Tanzania roommates more then us and yet everyone kept implying that we weren’t strong enough to deal with the situation. This is one thing I have noticed a lot since coming here. As white people, we are looked at differently. We are looked at like we are fragile and can’t do anything. Though we may not be used to manual labor as much as many people in Tanzania, I think it is important to show people that we can handle anything they give us. Sometimes I like to show people just how strong I am here because I feel like they need to understand that white people can be tough and that we aren’t special. In the end, it doesn’t matter what color our skin is, we can still manage to carry a heavy bucket up the stairs. Though it might take us awhile and we might need to stop a lot, it will get done!

Amanda Rose

Journal Entries

September 23^rd, 2006

Recently I read an article in the newspaper about the student protests that happened a week ago. Looking back at that event, I am so happy that I was here to experience it. On one of the days of the protest, I stood around with one of the guys from the Florida program and we watched the students marching around and singing. It was absolutely amazing. Until that moment, I had never seen an actual protest much less one that involved hundreds maybe even thousands of people. The entire time I watched, I kept thinking, this must be how people felt during the Civil Right’s Movement in America. It was so inspiring because the students were joining together to fight for something they believed in. As I watched the protest I kept hearing other white students asking why are they doing this? Who knows if this will help? And all I could think was who cares? I don’t think you always need to look at life in a technical manner. If you are always thinking, will this work, you may never do anything. All these students knew was that they weren’t being given the money they had been promised. All they knew was that they didn’t have money to eat or buy books and nothing was being done to change that situation. Even if they knew that the protests wouldn't work, I think they should have tried anyways. There is no harm in trying and failing and when there is injustice in the world sometimes you need to take a stand simply to say, you cannot ignore us anymore. We will not sit back and be quiet. The whole event inspired me because I realized that students can make a difference. Sometimes I don’t feel like I can make a difference in America. But looking at these students coming together, I realized that anything is possible and that some issues need to be fought for. As I watched the protest with Nate, we kept thinking that we needed to start something like this at our campuses in America. I also found it really interesting that I had never seen a protest at Luther, a liberal campus in America where students are supposed to be fighting for a better world, but yet a campus in Tanzania can have thousands of students joining together in solidarity to fight against their government. Is it possible that Tanzania really is more progressive then America in some ways?

Another thing that I found interesting about the protests was the way in which the government and the students seemed to interact. In the paper, the government was quoted as calling the students ignorant and I thought that was awful. It seemed like the two sides just needed to talk and that there had been a miscommunication. Since coming to Tanzania, I don’t like it when people use the word ignorant. What does ignorant really mean? What does any label really mean? I think that everything in this world is relative. There are no universals. No one can ever tell you what love is or truth or beauty. It is something you must decide on your own. This is something I have been realizing as I talk to my Tanzania friends. Even in one culture there are lots of different ideas and perceptions. One of my Tanzanian friends told me that you can only kiss someone you love and plan to marry while another said that it is normal to kiss people that you like. Though I think all cultural differences are fascinating the ones involving relationships here are the most interesting to me. Our group has been discovering a lot of these differences recently as we all make more friends and hang out with more guys. These cultural differences in relationships are something I think students need to be told before coming to Tanzania. I don’t think we should just be told or scared into thinking that we can’t date anyone here because that isn’t true. I just think it is important for the students to realize what Tanzanians expect when they like someone. I am also starting to realize that there are some things you could never prepare for that you will experience when you are in a different country. The only way you will ever understand them is if you jump right into them and you experience life with people of that culture. This is why I am grateful for my Tanzanian friends because they are showing me a part of their world and letting me see what Tanzania students do and that is something a book or a test or a class could never teach me.

Amanda Rose

Journal Entries

September 25^th, 2006

What does it mean to belong? I have been here for ten weeks now and it is only now that I really feel out of place. When we first got here I was so excited to meet new people and be alone. I wanted to be the only mzungu but now I find myself acting so insecure. I can’t do anything by myself. Today I was sitting by myself in SO 393 because I had sat in front of the other white students and the whole time I kept thinking, I should move. Then after class I was waiting for my friend to come and meet me and I felt like everyone was starting at me even when they weren’t. I felt like there was no place to hide and all I wanted to do was find a quiet place out of the sun but I couldn’t find any. I finally decided to walk back to the dorm and see if my friend was on her way because I couldn’t handle just sitting there. Then later on in the day, I walked into the library and as soon as I got on the stairs a guy points at me saying mzungu. Sometimes I just feel emotionally drained because we are trying to live here but we are living in a world of contradictions. Have fun while you are here and try everything but don’t trust anyone and be careful and don’t go anywhere alone or in the dark. However, I don’t think there is anything wrong with feeling insecure in a new culture and I just keep reminding myself that this is normal. I am also realizing that no matter how insecure I may feel walking around campus I am surrounded by tons of people who are in the same situation. I feel so close to everyone on our trip and our friends from the other American groups because no matter how hard things get here we always have each other. I think that is the amazing thing about life. No matter how frustrated you get or how hard life seems sometimes, things will always get better and there will always be someone there for you.

I also think it is important for us to be true to ourselves. We should try and fit in as much as possible but sometimes we need to also take the time to bring some American fun to our lives. Our dorm still doesn’t have water and Amy and I decided that we should try and haul buckets of water up the side of the building using a rope. We didn’t know if this idea would actually work but we thought it would be fun to try sometime. Not only would it be an adventure but it would also be less work compared to the 8 flights of stairs we normally carried the buckets up. We were going to wait and try our idea later but today our roommates came into my room with a thing of rope and said they wanted us to try it. So for the next two hours five Tanzanians and four wazungus all pulled buckets of water up an 8 story building using rope as the security guard and other students outside the dorm laughed at the site. It was amazing! It was one of the best times I have had here because we were all working together and we were trying to solve a problem. I also thought it was cool because we were showing our Tanzania roommates that girls can do things too and that they can try and experiment with things to solve problems.

Living in a different country has taught me to really appreciate the small things in life. In America I would get frustrated really easily if things didn’t go as I had planned and I rarely stepped back from my life and realized just how lucky I was. However, since coming to Tanzania, that is all I do and that is the only way I think we will all stay sane. Things never go as planned here and we need to accept that. Sometimes I will be frustrated but then I remember that there are so many good things in my life and the things I am experiencing, no matter how small they may seem, are amazing and a once in a lifetime chance. I think this is something that will change me for the better. Now I wake-up and hear the sound of running water and think wow…we actually have water! Or when I can actually get to a computer I realize that I have accomplished something great. Last night I finally washed my clothes before the water stopped running and it made me so happy. I hope that after this trip I will remember how it felt to hear running water after three weeks without any or to turn the light switch and actually have light after a power outage because those small moments are amazing and they really make me appreciate my life.

Amanda Rose

Journal Entries

September 27^th, 2006

Since our trip is now half over a lot of us have started talking about home and what it is going to be like when we leave Tanzania. I am excited to go home sometimes because I do miss my family and friends and food! However, there are also times when I think, I don’t know if I can go home. I know that I have changed a lot since coming to Tanzania even though I can’t pinpoint exactly what has changed. Sometimes it scares me to think that I will be going back to America and Luther. Before coming on this trip I loved it in American and at Luther but now I can’t imagine actually living there. I feel like I am stuck in this place where I don’t know where I want to go or what I want to do. I know that I don’t want to stay in Tanzania forever but at the same time I don’t see myself at home. I don’t feel comfortable there anymore. This is something I know will be really hard for all of us when we go back and that we will spend a long time getting over culture shock. What I think is going to be the hardest thing is trying to fit back into that mold of life that we left behind. How can I really explain to my friends that the person I was before doesn’t exist anymore?

This week I got an email from one of my friends and after reading it, I felt a little angry because she was trying to tell me how to live my life. I understand that she cares about me and she wants me to be happy but the whole time I kept thinking, you have no right to say this to me because you don’t know me. I have known this friend since middle school but now I feel like all those years are erased and the last two months of my life have changed those 20 years. Sometimes I want to call my parents and my friends and just talk for hours like I could do in America. But then I think, what would I talk about? I love it when my parents call me here but sometimes I am just like I don’t want to answer the phone or talk that long. It makes me really uncomfortable because there is no way they will ever understand what I am seeing or feeling or experiencing and even though I need to try and explain it, I don’t want to. Sometimes I just feel like it would be too much work to really say anything about my life here so I just answer peoples’ questions and say that everything is fine even if it isn’t or even when things are amazing I will not talk about them. Its not that I don’t want my friends and family back home to know about my life in Tanzania it is just that there is no way for me to summarize even one day here. Even looking at my journals I find it so hard to write anything because I know that if I was truly going to describe one day here it would take a book because everything is so new still and every minute of the day I am feeling something that I have never felt before. Sometimes it really scares me to imagine my life when I get back to America. I know I have amazing friends and family that I left behind but there are times when I talk to people on the phone or read their emails and I think, wow, do I even know this person? I just feel like the most important thing in my life right now and for five months, something that is going to change my life forever, may be the one thing that pushes me away from my loved ones. How can you change who you are completely and still fit into that same mold you left behind and how do you explain to those people you left that you don’t think you want to see them or come home? It isn’t that you don’t miss them it is just that you already feel out of place there and you haven’t even made it back yet. What do you do when you don’t feel like you belong anywhere? I don’t think we will be able to answer any of these questions until we actually get back to America and I know that sooner or later America will feel like home again but sometimes I wonder if that is really what I want. I wonder if going back to America will erase everything I have experienced here and this will all just become a dream. How do you hold onto two different worlds that have nothing in common and in which neither of them you actually belong anymore because in one you are a white person in an African culture and in the other you are the majority in a society you don’t believe in anymore?

Amanda Rose

Journal Entries

September 29^th, 2006

Today I woke-up feeling like I was pushed to the limit and that I was ready to break. I don’t know exactly why that happened, because there has been a lot of stuff going on in my life. However, last night I was hanging out with one of my guy friends and for a split second it seemed like he thought we were going to sleep together and he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He wasn’t trying to hurt me but he kept saying we would even though I was saying no. This made me furious. I couldn’t understand how he could pretend that I wasn’t saying no. After reading that book Terry left for us, I understand that no is never a final answer in Tanzania and that guys can usually talk girls into something. Even Amy’s roommate was telling us about this. She said that when a guy asks a girl out here she will usually say no at least three times to see if he really likes her and if he keeps coming back then she will say yes. As I tried to explain to my friend that that was not how it worked in America and that when a girl says no she means it he understood and said he was sorry for bringing the issue up.

However, the entire situation made me realize just how strong I can be. I was ready to protect myself and I was so angry I wanted to cry. I had never been in a situation like that before where I felt like the other person wasn’t listening to me. I was so emotionally exhausted and mad that I was ready to fight back against the world. I feel that as white women in Tanzania we get pushed around a lot. Guys will look at us like we are property and say things to us or try to sleep with us, girls also stare at us and say things like why is she with a black man or that white girls shouldn’t date black men like Wendi’s roommate told us. People all around campus will budge in front of us and push us to the back of the line when we are trying to check our bags for the library or to get food in the cafeteria or computers in the computer lab. Guys here think that white girls are easy and that they can sleep with us and that they can change our minds even when we say no. People act like we are helpless and that we will get hurt if we have to carry our buckets up the stairs and even the warden will say things to us like, “This isn’t America and you need to get used to it” simply when we come to complain to him about the water because our Tanzanian roommates can’t complain or they will get kicked out of the dorm. The thing that happened with my friend just added to everything else that has been happening and for the first time here I felt unstoppable like no one could mess with me. At that moment I was sick of being sweet and pushed around. It is weird how anger can sometimes turn into empowerment or how being a visitor and not wanting to offend people or step on anyone’s toes can change into determination and the feeling that I live here too and you need to respect me.

It might not seem like a huge thing, but I took that frustration and today I did things that I normally wouldn’t do by myself. I went and talked to the warden, I went to the library and pushed my way through the lines, and I went places by myself and I didn’t care who was looking at me. I used to always like this quote that talked about victories not always being public and that sometimes the greatest victories we have are those that no one else sees. I feel like that quote was perfect for me today. I wasn’t afraid to stand out here or make someone feel bad. I wasn’t walking around trying to blend in because I am the visitor here. For the first time I told myself to be strong and do whatever I wanted because this was my home.

This whole event has also made me realize that only when our values are challenged can we really see what we believe. When my friend was trying to ask me to sleep with him I told him that I couldn’t because I was waiting until marriage. Now honestly, when I told him that I was just making up an excuse and I didn't really believe what I was saying. I had never really thought that that was how I wanted to live my life or at least that wasn’t something I always thought about. However, as I began to talk about it with him I realized that that is something I believe and that that is good for me and that I don’t ever want anything to ruin that. It makes me really happy to know that my ideals and my values are being pushed here because I never really knew what I believed in America. I had so many questions about my life and how I wanted to live it and I feel like here I am getting some clarity because I am being pushed into new situations where I need to look out for myself and make decisions that I never had to make before.